Understanding The Research Behind Positive Parenting

From birth, children learn about themselves, their needs, and responsiveness of others around them. While schools play a large role in teaching, modeling, and creating opportunities for educating children. Social and emotional education starts in the home. 

Toddlers and children experience different sensations, when they don’t recognize or cannot process certain sensations their brainstem is hyper-activated. In the brainstem, a child's "fight, flight, or freeze" impulse are activated and the child becomes dysregulated and in-turn does not follow directions. While our children are born with these sensations and urges, expressing and managing them takes practice, just like in adults. As we all may feel overwhelmed with our day to day struggles of life and parenting tasks, we seek support through network of family, friends and communities such as The Parental Toolbox.

What Studies Show About Brain Development

Research shows that by the time a child is three-years-old, their brain is already 80% of their adult size. By the time children are school-aged (3 to 5), adults are increasingly asking them to "sit still, be quiet, and listen", but if young children have not been taught the skills required to carry out these requests, then expecting children to perform them is like expecting a newborn baby to tie their shoes or a toddler to solve an algebra equation.

The good news is, that with modeling, children can be taught the fundamental components of social and emotional skills before they are asked to apply them; things like self-awareness, impulse control, emotional regulation, and more can be taught in age-appropriate, play-based and child-led ways long before children are placed in a school or group learning environment. 
When schools and families collaborate to help children learn, a bridge is formed that helps close the learning gap that exists in our society today. According to the Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL), there are 5 key skills to social-emotional learning:

1. Self-awareness: This is your child’s ability to notice feeling sensations within their body and name them. I feel mad because he took my toy or I feel happy when I work hard. 

2. Self-management: When we teach our children how to manage the sensations in their bodies, they learn the skills of regulation. Eventually, this co-regulation leads to self-regulation of emotions and behaviors and develops skills such as problem-solving and impulse control. When I felt mad, I took three breaths or When I felt determined, I focused on my project. 

3. Social awareness: This is when your child moves from “me” to “we” and understands, empathizes, and feels compassion for others. My friend looked sad so I gave her a hug.

4. Relationship skills: Making friends is a skill that involves many higher-level functions such as conflict resolution, open communication, and seeing others’ viewpoints. We want something different. How can we both win?

5. Responsible decision making: This is when your child explores and understands her values and beliefs and uses her ethical compass when making decisions. If I choose not to study, what are some likely outcomes?

While these are important skills for academic and personal success and happiness, it begs an important question: Why wait to teach these skills until a child starts adolescence and is expected to use them? Social-emotional learning takes time and practice and by starting at home at a young age, as early as birth!

How to Nurture Self-Regulation in Infants and Toddlers at Home

Parents can start teaching emotional intelligence from birth in the way they respond to their children’s needs, help them identify emotions, offer a vocabulary to name those feelings, and teach calming strategies. As parents, we are great teachers - it is always within us - because no one knows our child in the way we do. We are the experts in our child’s health and development. And it all starts at home, with our nurturing love and guidance.

How to encourage Self-Regulation in Preschoolers and Early Adolescence

Children cannot learn when they are struggling to follow directions, get along with their peers and control their emotions. For a child to shift from  their primitive brain into a high-functioning learning brain they must first have the tools for noticing, naming, and calming their emotions. A child that's missing these skills often experience learning challenges because similar to a toddler when they feel over/underwhelmed or have an unmet need, they express it with whatever tools they have been given. If a child doesn’t yet know how to shift from the brainstem to higher parts of the brain, their protective responses will hijack learning. For our children to learn, they must know how to self regulate. 

Self Regulation Techniques

1. Freeze dance. Have a dance party with a small group of kids or family members and tell everyone that when you stop the music, they must hold very still. The first person to move is eliminated for the next round. The winner is the last one dancing.

2. Traffic lights. One kid plays traffic cop and turns to face a wall. The other kids start at the other side of the room—or if they’re outdoors, at a starting line. When the traffic cop shouts “Green!” the kids can advance. If the traffic cop shout “Red!” the kids have to stop, and the cop gets to turns around and see if everyone obeys. If they catch any kid still moving, they can send them back to the start line. The winner is the first person to cross the room and tag the traffic cop.

3. Musical chairs. Set out enough chairs in a row, alternating facing front and back, for every player—minus one. Play music and have kids walk or dance around the chairs. When the music stops, they must make a beeline for the closest chair. Each round, the player who doesn’t manage to grab a seat is eliminated, until just one winning player remains.

4. Orchestra. Give kids to tap and wave and have them follow one kid at the front, who is playing conductor, with a baton in hand (a pen, ruler or stick will do). The conductor sets the tempo and everyone must speed up and slow down accordingly. Kids will learn to control their body movements to create a harmonious sound together.

5. Jenga. This stacking game requires a steady hand and careful planning of movements. The frustration of losing is softened by the fun of seeing the tower fall, so it’s an especially good one to use to help turn a sore loser into a good sport.